Embracing 'new beginning's.......mostly.

I am writing this on a Saturday night.....this blog has been neglected but it is here that I come to pour out what is on my heart as I often did long ago in the early days of this blog.....I feel like this post should begin 'Dear Diary'......

Lately, I have been feeling all sorts of weepy/'ugh' and really unable to put my finger on what exactly is the cause.........It is very unlike me to be so emotional.  Life has been busy, and not so much in a good way, but in a rushy, many balls in the air, not paying attention to the life that is leaving kind of way. When I took some time this week to really THINK about what might be causing my emotional instability (whilst on a spinning bike where I do my best thinking),  I remembered LOTS of big things and little things......life's important events and the insignificant....each creeping their way into my life and in my thoughts - whether I wanted them there or not (mostly not)......

First, my first baby, the girl that made me a mother when I was 31-years-young is turning 18 frickin' years old this week!  Seriously.  Let us just take the time to let that soak in.  I birthed a human who will soon (technically, because if you knew her in real life you would think otherwise) be an adult.  Like an adult that will HAVE to vote in this crazy-ass Presidential election we have coming up in November (don't even get me started)........an adult that can buy cigarettes and get a tattoo without my consent (she reminded me of this).  And if you knew her in real life, you would know she would do neither - I have done something right.

And in addition to turning 18, this 'baby' of mine will be a high school senior as of Monday.  Having a senior, I am finding, brings about all sorts of panic in me.......WAIT! - we never took her on that RV road trip we talked about,  or on that European vacation.   Did I teach her enough about life? Cooking? Hygiene? Good manners? How to do laundry? Balance her checkbook? Navigating an airport? Personal safety? Being a good friend? Have we had the important 'talks'?  Made enough good childhood memories to last a lifetime?  Will she have favorite foods to request when she comes home at breaks? Have I listened enough? Been the best kind of strict and supportive?

This big girl of mine is on to do big things and has already fulfilled some dreams - but her biggest awaits.  She will play division I soccer in college.......many hours away from home.....I am SO happy for her, proud of her, but facing her leaving the nest is something I just can't......right now......

In addition to all that, my baby-baby girl will be a freshman in high school as of Monday.  That my friends is a heartbreaker......My girl is an introvert like her momma - she is an old soul, a creative, and mature for age and jeez, high school can fill even the most confident girl full of self-doubt. I pray she finds her tribe.....that they love her for the wonderful, amazing soul she is........My baby has dreams, goals and unlike her sister, knows what she want to be 'when she grows up' and I have NO DOUBT she will do just that (a career in fashion).  I know these next four years will speed on by, her sister demonstrated that well, so I intend to be more present, not sweat the small stuff and just enjoy....at least that's the plan.

Finally, I myself will celebrate have a BIG birthday in April.....a number that looks like ___0.  I am not feeling it like I was the last one......crap, that decade went so fast!  I am feeling all kinds of 'eh'....'cause really lots of what filled the last 18 years of my life will change significantly in this new decade.   Sure, I know I will always be needed as a mother, that parenting never really ends, blah, blah, blah....but it's the little stuff, the school meetings, cheering on the sidelines or in the audience, guiding, the laundry, making lunches, the talks at the dinner table each night, hearing the car pull-in and breathing that sigh of relief......all THAT ends.....and truthfully, I am sad about that(who knew I would miss making lunches?).  I will miss it immensely - for as scared to death of the teen years I was when they placed my babes in my arms, they have really been the best part of this journey.

In addition, I think these birthdays, at least for me, cause you to reflect and evaluate lots of things in your life.  Recent friendship 'hurts', disappointments and struggles have been weighting heavy - being a girl can be so hard sometimes.  And while I recognize I am far from perfect, I really try to get it right and when I don't and friendships fade, I am left to wonder what I could have done better, different to have made it right.  I don't handle disappointment well and lately, I have been disappointed in people.  And really, this decade has been amazing in terms of my 'career', I built a business doing something creative that brings me immense joy.   But I am left wondering if doing so made me sacrifice in other areas of my life.....and the answer is, of course it did.  That has me evaluating HOW I do business, with WHO I do business and HOW MUCH work I take on.....it is all good, but stressful too in many ways.

One big sacrifice I have made with working more has been my health - particularly working out - and when I am feeling all kinds of mushy, I feel 'eh' even more.......I fractured my ankle last November and getting into a regular workout routine after I recovered was so hard but that has to change and I really must find a way to get more workouts in for me and my __0 year old mushy self.

So there I was yesterday, all these 'first world problems' weighting on me and a big old pity party happening in my head when I stumbled upon this while scrolling Instagram:

I knew that THIS must be my mantra this year - to not see this year as a year of endings but to trust this year to be the 'magic of beginnings'.  'Trust' is a word I use a lot with my clients and often with my girls - I urge my daughters to trust, to have faith, that what is meant to be will be......With my clients, I work to instill their trust in me because when they do, the process is wonderful and the outcome the best.  But you know what?  Seeing these words on Instagram made me realize that I had not considered taking my own damn advice.  What is happening this year is gonna happen, I can do NOTHING to change it - but I can shape how I approach it, what I do about it, my attitude towards it, how I see it and how I choose to spend my time and with who I choose to spend my time.  And this control freak, is gonna control that, like a BOSS.  The time in my life has arrived.....the start of something new.....and I trust it to be the 'magic of beginnings'.

So if you are still reading, thank you.  I don't mean to unload all my crap on you....but I imagine some of you might be feeling the same feels or have gone through the same.  The blog world seems to be filled with youngish momma's posting perfect parties, perfect homes, perfect children, perfect outfits.....And in my past, I hid my crazy and messy well too (cause you know they are!) but I guess I have learned that vulnerability is a strength.  And Lord knows the blog world could stand a little more perspective from middle aged, mommas of grown kids who are struggling with impending empty nests and getting 'mushy' around the middle.  I knew I wanted to take the time to write this post - to put it all out there, it certainly helped me filter through it all.  So thanks for reading....